Z to A of Sensual Massage

J is for Jizz

J is for Jizz

I guess I could have used lots of different words for Jizz, such as cum or load or any number of other words for sperm, but Jizz is a good word, and to be frank, I couldn’t think of anything else for J, expect perhaps Jerk as in Jerk Off. But let’s go with J for Jizz which I think is a sort of slang for ‘jism’, which is in itself a slang word for semen. So Jizz it is.

They say retail is dying now that everyone increasingly shops on line. The events of this year (2020) have only made that worse as shops have been forcibly closed due to the pandemic restrictions. This blog tries to be positive and a welcome distraction from all the bad stuff going on so I’m not going to linger on all those miserable events….let’s get to the Jizz quick!…but in this piece I would like to suggest some ideas for retailers looking to differentiate their product from the e-commerce sites.

The sex shop

Why don’t you try it on, there’s a changing room over there” my friend said, gesturing to the corner of the shop where a small curtained off area played the role of a changing room. I held up the black leather harness to my torso. “Should fit ok” I said “but yes perhaps I’ll see what it looks like on”. Of course in my head the harness would make me look like one of those hunks often shown on the front of the weekly gay events listings magazines. That’s what harnesses do don’t they? They somehow add a few inches to your chest, remove them from your waist and increase definition all over. It’s all to do with accentuating the sexy bits and drawing attention away from the flab by clever use of straps and metal rings.

My friend was keen to see me wearing it, and had chosen a couple of other items for me too; a black leather jock strap that looked quite sleazy to me, and another harness, this time in red but with more leather straps (and a bigger price). I noticed he hadn’t chosen anything for himself yet as I went into the changing room with my stuff.

The shop was small, so the shopkeeper had overheard us talking and said “go ahead, feel free to try anything on“. He’s very helpful. Allow me to explain a little background at this point. I’d told my friend about this shop recently, and he was keen to visit. It’s a small, shall we say ‘specialist retailer’ in London, selling leather goods, other sexy clothes (pants, vests, belts, boots that sort of thing), sex toys, lube etc. An essential retailer you might say, especially if you’re planning to go to a sex club event, which of course we were, so we needed new kit didn’t we? I also had another reason to visit, and we’ll get to that soon enough…

I believe there’s a small window of opportunity in life when you look hot in a harness. It’s probably about six months sometime between age 25 and 30, depending on your circumstances. After that window closes not only does a harness detract from any ‘hotness’ one might have, the cognitive ability to work out how to put it on is also lost. This is one of those immutable laws and there’s nothing that can be done about it. However one still hopes, and as I stepped into the changing room that hope came in with me.

Unfortunately the hope stepped out again as I struggled to work out how the harness fitted. Having wriggled my way into it, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. It wasn’t a ‘front page of the mag’ look, or even an inside page to be honest. I’m not out of shape and I think my pecs are decent but this garment did nothing for me, in fact it was uncomfortable….although I may have been wearing it wrong? I had to be helped out of it. My friend, trying to hide his disappointment and boost my esteem, suggested trying on the red one with more leather because it was much sexier, but by then I’d had enough. There was no way I was putting that one on. I’d probably get stuck in it and have to buy it.

There’s another thing I have to tell you about this shop. The shopkeeper is totally relaxed about nudity in there. Maybe this is why the mirror to check yourself out in the harness or whatever it is you’re trying on is outside the changing room. Now I’m also totally relaxed about nudity (you knew that didn’t you?) so me and the shopkeeper are aligned. I was now standing naked at the back of the shop with the black harness in one hand and the red one in the other as the shopkeeper suggested I try more harnesses. Fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view) there was no-one else in the shop. The door is routinely locked and you buzz to enter. It’s probably just as well since you wouldn’t want someone thinking they’re entering a newsagent to walk in and find a naked guy with harnesses in each hand do you?

My friend, now desperate that I buy something, suggested trying on the leather jock. The difficulty was that my cock was now semi and it wouldn’t fit in the jock. What to do? This is where my idea for bringing new experiences into retail comes into play. OK so it’s not my idea but I think it has legs and should be promoted, so I’m adopting it. I’d told my friend about it previously and he was excited to experience it, hence our visit. The marketing concept the shop owner has created is really quite ingenious.

What happens is that you get naked (or at least drop your pants), get hard (not a problem in this instance) and then wank off on a pair of special pants that the shop keeper keeps under the counter for just such a purpose. You simply ask him to make a donation to the ‘jizz-pants’ as they are called, and out the pants come. They’re placed on a side table next to the counter and you wank off and shoot a load of jizz on the pants. He then replaces them in their clear plastic bag for the next customer to ‘use’. The added twist is that he films it on his phone and posts it on social media for promotional purposes. Of course it only goes on appropriate social media where such things will be appreciated rather than objected to. It’s a dream for those with exhibitionist tendencies (although you can remain anonymous and only show waist down so to speak) and it’s even more fun if there’s other customers in the shop. It also brings in the custom…..just like me and my friend.

So we both deposited a couple of large loads on the ‘jizz-pants’ and of course were almost instantly seen by millions of viewers (OK I exaggerate, but it got a decent number of likes!). The other twist is that having dumped a load of jizz you get the chance to guess how many loads the pants will receive in the current month. If you’re correct you win the pants and a new pair becomes the next ‘jizz pants’.

Is that something worth winning? It might be a pyrrhic victory…I’ll leave you to make your own mind up on that. This was near the end of the month and the pants looked well used. Despite them being a nice Aussie Bum pair which in other circumstances I would have worn, I guessed 4 loads which was clearly wrong. There was no way I wanted to ‘win’ them.

I bought the leather jock without trying it on because it seemed only polite to do so having just wanked over the owners counter top. That’s the brilliance of the marketing; you feel obliged to spend some money. My friend bought some lube and a cock ring. The concept is definitely a new twist on retail and something the big high street names should consider. I think if they introduced some sort of jizz pants concept and live video streaming of people trying on clothes it’s something the e-commerce retailers couldn’t match. If any big retailer is looking for a consultant to assist them with the re-imagining of their shopping experience along these lines I’m available. Contact my agent.

Anyway, what did we wear to the sex club night? Certainly not the leather jock. I’ve never worn it. It’s not me. My friend didn’t like it either. So we just wore some scent and a big smile, it’s so much simpler isn’t it? I’ll leave the leather harnesses to those that can pull off that look. But the shopping trip was fun and I hope whoever won the jizz pants that month ‘enjoyed’ them.

I haven’t mentioned massage yet have I? So here’s my new massage concept inspired by the jizz pants. What do you think about the idea of a Jizz Pants Massage? I’m thinking you come along for a massage, enjoy the happy ending etc. but instead of shooting somewhere random, you shoot on a pair of my AussieBums, I add a load and then you can take them home as a souvenir? I’d have to make a small additional charge of course since AussieBums aren’t cheap but I have plenty of old ones that need re-homing. I’ll call it the Jizz Pants Special Massage. Feedback on the concept is most welcome.

Next letter is I. Suggestions (or even a full article) are welcome. Plus I love feedback. Do get in touch if you like my posts. If you don’t like them….how did you get this far?

Z to A of Sensual Massage

K is for Kinky


How are you doing? Tough year isn’t it. I really hope my blog is a welcome diversion and distraction from any bad stuff going on in your world. We’re now at K in my Z to A of sensual massage so K will be for Kinky. Come on, let’s absent ourselves from all the weird goings on for a short time and slip away for a delve into the realms of kinky activities in massage.

A few weeks ago I was queueing (in line) along the street waiting to enter a building, which seems to happen frequently these days. Many of life’s routines that used to be normal everyday things are now special privileges that we appreciate more having lost them. Whilst in the queue I wore my mask covering my mouth and nose which, on this occasion I was quite glad to do because it provided some degree of anonymity because I was queueing to go into the sexual health clinic for a routine check up.

In normal times you can just go in and wait for your appointment inside but these days they want as few people hanging around inside as possible….so now you hang around outside. One of the  benefits of being classified as a sex worker by the clinic is that they issue you with a special VIP card. The card allows me (pre Covid) to avoid having to book, along with other VIP benefits such as things like use of the executive toilets, a glass of champagne on arrival, and a conspicuous absence of disapproval from the nurse when I tell them how many different sexual partners I’ve had in the past month. It’s quite a good perk.

I’ve plenty of membership and loyalty cards in my wallet but the Clinic card is, I must admit, one of the more unusual ones. I’ve about a dozen different coffee shop loyalty cards which means  that every 23rd coffee I have is free. Perhaps I should do a loyalty scheme for my massages; book 4 massages and get your 5th massage free? Hmmm, keep your eyes on my website for the Sensualtouchco loyalty scheme launch. You won’t get a card, I’ll just stamp your bum with my logo.

To be fair, I’m not entirely sure that being a VIP member of the clinic is something to be shouting about but there you go…I have no filter. Being a responsible boy I do get tested very regularly so that’s a good thing isn’t it? If I’m a regular there I might aswell get the VIP membership and make the most of the benefits it brings. There is however one aspect of the testing process that I always struggle with, and no VIP membership can make it any easier.

The bit that’s a struggle is doing a piss on demand. When you go for a test they give you the swabs for throat and bum, and a little plastic bottle to fill up. Having checked in (and drunk your VIP  Champagne…) you go to a little room to do the swabbing and pissing bit.  Now, every time I attend I know I shall have to piss at the clinic and I know exactly what time I shall have to piss at the clinic. These are known facts, it’s all predictable and you would have thought it would therefore be easy. I sometimes go to the coffee shop before the clinic (to have my free 23rd coffee)  and I’m of course desperate to piss there, which is good. However I hold off going because I know I’ll need to fill up that damn bottle later.

10 minutes later, at the clinic, I’m standing in the VIP Executive bathroom over the toilet, with the bottle in one hand and my cock in the other I try to piss, but nothing happens. Every time it’s the same…desperate to go when at the coffee shop; totally dry when faced with the bottle. Maybe a drip comes out, but the bottle remains desperately empty. I think watery thoughts, flush the toilet, turn on the tap at the sink, all in attempt to trigger a piss to fill the bottle… but nothing happens.

One time I stood there so long with the sink tap running I hadn’t realised the sink was blocked and overflowing. Only when I saw the water around my shoes did I notice it. Yet despite standing in a puddle of water I still couldn’t piss….It’s so annoying. Often I’ve had to do the swabs and then go and wait in the waiting area while drinking loads of water so that I could eventually go back to the toilet and piss in that damn bottle.

Anyway, what’s all this clinic stuff got to do with K for Kink? Allow me to explain….I guess I could write a more serious piece about how we develop our kinks or fetishes or I could write about my experience of massage kink. Given that someone else does the deep insight so much better than me I decided to recount my massage experiences.

If you want deeper insight (and an interesting listen) have a look at the talk by the sex and relationship engineer Colin Richards on intimacy Colin’s talk titled Psychology of Kink and Fetish is really informative about where our kinks come from and why. I highly recommend Colin, having frequently worked with him doing massage and at various workshops. Advert over….back to my kink massage…..

I get a call from a friend (let’s call him John). John is a fellow  masseur who I occasionally do 4 hands with. We work well together.

John “Hi Jamie it’s John, how’s things? I have a client who wants a 4 hands from us.”

Me “Hi John, great, when is he looking for?”

John “well it’s a bit different…he wants a special massage..”

Me “sure, I do special!”

John “this one is different special…he wants a piss massage.”

Me “…………”

John “are you there Jamie?, he wants us to piss on him throughout the massage.”

Me (quickly recovering my wits) “sure, it’ll be £XXX” (price redacted for commercial reasons).

And so this is how I ended up doing a kink piss massage. Me, the guy who can’t piss on demand has agreed to do a massage requiring regular and consistent pissing on the client over the period of a 90 minute massage. What could go wrong? I’d never done a piss massage before (in fact I didn’t know there was such a thing) but why not? I’ll try almost anything once. So we agreed the price, the date and time and I put it in my diary.

The day comes and I arrive early at John’s place so that we can plan our routine and set up the studio. John has prepared the room, the table is up and towels are on the floor to absorb any excess fluid so to speak. We’re not using oil because the client wants us to use piss as a lubricant (which actually isn’t as unsuitable as it sounds). We work out a routine and I drink a pint of water to be ready…then I drink another pint just to be sure.

The client arrives and he wants John to undress him outside the room and to blindfold him before he walks in naked and we begin. He won’t see me until after the massage. The instructions are clear; piss on him regularly through the massage, do a full massage with all the normal routines, he wants to drink some of the piss, and he wants to cum at the end. I find that with kink massages the client is often very specific and detailed about what they want, and it’s important to keep to that plan. It’s the details that matter.

With the client on the table, the music chosen (I had suggested Handel’s Water Music but the client preferred some bland pan pipe stuff….some people have no class), and our bladders full we began the massage. It was a standard beginning with some grounding moves and relaxing head massage. Then John indicated it was time to piss on the client and he lifted his cock and sprayed a long warm stream over the client’s back. I could see the guy relax as the warmth of the piss flowed down his sides and between his bum cheeks.

It’s my turn to piss now. But I can’t do it. I hold my cock (still soft fortunately, I definitely can’t piss when hard) and wave it about a bit in the hope that this will precipitate piss, but nothing happens. Glancing at John I pull a face that says ‘no can do’ and he grins and nods in the direction of the water bottle. Good idea, I just need a bit more water and then it will flow. John does another spurt to make up for my failure. The client is none the wiser that only one of his masseurs is ‘performing’.

The massage continues, and the client’s body is wet all over. Of course I’m giving a great massage but as yet only a small dribble has come out of my cock despite having drunk litres and litres of water. Where is it all going in my system? John is still pissing for both of us so we have plenty of lubrication (it dries quickly) but he can’t go on forever and the client is due to be turned over soon. He’ll want to drink it and I’m sure he’ll be able to tell if only John is able to perform. I indicate to John that I’m going to nip out next door to the toilet to start the piss there, which may help. Then I’ll rush back into the room holding the stream and release it when I’m back on the table. It’s a good plan.

Discreetly I exit the room and stand over the toilet in the bathroom next door. A minute goes by and no piss. I turn on the taps at the sink. I think watery thoughts. At last a stream comes out and hits the water. Squeezing my external urethral sphincter muscle to hold the piss mid stream I rush back into the room, stand next to the client and release the tension. The flow is so weak the piss barely reaches his side, it stops after a few seconds. Damn…try again. Back to the toilet, this time with more water to drink. Poor John has shouldered all the work so far.

This time I’m more successful and on returning to the table I’m able, with extreme concentration, to piss out a steady stream. I glance at John who is grinning back at me, probably as relieved as I am. The client turns over onto his back. We both give him a taste. I’m now at last managing to provide a reasonable flow having drunk what must be about 7 litres of water. The client seems to like the taste.  My piss is so diluted it must be like drinking Evian, but he’s happy. We conclude the massage in the traditional way and the client leaves very satisfied.

Even disregarding the stress of wanting to piss and being unable to, I can’t say that I enjoyed doing the piss massage. It’s not my thing but I wouldn’t be critical of the client for his liking of it. He definitely found it fun and sexy and that’s what’s important. As long as your kink isn’t cruel or illegal then I think it’s important for your well-being to be able to express it and fulfil that desire.

The difficult days we are living through are a reminder that the routine everyday things that we take for granted may not always be there for us. When they are there for us we must make sure that we take every opportunity to appreciate them. Similarly it’s important to take the opportunity to explore and appreciate our kinks because we may not get the chance again. Just like I found with needing to piss; it’s one of those routine things that when you really need it, and it’s gone, you definitely miss it. Don’t miss your opportunity…..get exploring your kinks. Although if your kink is piss massage perhaps you’d better find someone more adept at it than me.