J is for Jizz
I guess I could have used lots of different words for Jizz, such as cum or load or any number of other words for sperm, but Jizz is a good word, and to be frank, I couldn’t think of anything else for J, expect perhaps Jerk as in Jerk Off. But let’s go with J for Jizz which I think is a sort of slang for ‘jism’, which is in itself a slang word for semen. So Jizz it is.
They say retail is dying now that everyone increasingly shops on line. The events of this year (2020) have only made that worse as shops have been forcibly closed due to the pandemic restrictions. This blog tries to be positive and a welcome distraction from all the bad stuff going on so I’m not going to linger on all those miserable events….let’s get to the Jizz quick!…but in this piece I would like to suggest some ideas for retailers looking to differentiate their product from the e-commerce sites.
The sex shop
“Why don’t you try it on, there’s a changing room over there” my friend said, gesturing to the corner of the shop where a small curtained off area played the role of a changing room. I held up the black leather harness to my torso. “Should fit ok” I said “but yes perhaps I’ll see what it looks like on”. Of course in my head the harness would make me look like one of those hunks often shown on the front of the weekly gay events listings magazines. That’s what harnesses do don’t they? They somehow add a few inches to your chest, remove them from your waist and increase definition all over. It’s all to do with accentuating the sexy bits and drawing attention away from the flab by clever use of straps and metal rings.
My friend was keen to see me wearing it, and had chosen a couple of other items for me too; a black leather jock strap that looked quite sleazy to me, and another harness, this time in red but with more leather straps (and a bigger price). I noticed he hadn’t chosen anything for himself yet as I went into the changing room with my stuff.
The shop was small, so the shopkeeper had overheard us talking and said “go ahead, feel free to try anything on“. He’s very helpful. Allow me to explain a little background at this point. I’d told my friend about this shop recently, and he was keen to visit. It’s a small, shall we say ‘specialist retailer’ in London, selling leather goods, other sexy clothes (pants, vests, belts, boots that sort of thing), sex toys, lube etc. An essential retailer you might say, especially if you’re planning to go to a sex club event, which of course we were, so we needed new kit didn’t we? I also had another reason to visit, and we’ll get to that soon enough…
I believe there’s a small window of opportunity in life when you look hot in a harness. It’s probably about six months sometime between age 25 and 30, depending on your circumstances. After that window closes not only does a harness detract from any ‘hotness’ one might have, the cognitive ability to work out how to put it on is also lost. This is one of those immutable laws and there’s nothing that can be done about it. However one still hopes, and as I stepped into the changing room that hope came in with me.
Unfortunately the hope stepped out again as I struggled to work out how the harness fitted. Having wriggled my way into it, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. It wasn’t a ‘front page of the mag’ look, or even an inside page to be honest. I’m not out of shape and I think my pecs are decent but this garment did nothing for me, in fact it was uncomfortable….although I may have been wearing it wrong? I had to be helped out of it. My friend, trying to hide his disappointment and boost my esteem, suggested trying on the red one with more leather because it was much sexier, but by then I’d had enough. There was no way I was putting that one on. I’d probably get stuck in it and have to buy it.
There’s another thing I have to tell you about this shop. The shopkeeper is totally relaxed about nudity in there. Maybe this is why the mirror to check yourself out in the harness or whatever it is you’re trying on is outside the changing room. Now I’m also totally relaxed about nudity (you knew that didn’t you?) so me and the shopkeeper are aligned. I was now standing naked at the back of the shop with the black harness in one hand and the red one in the other as the shopkeeper suggested I try more harnesses. Fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view) there was no-one else in the shop. The door is routinely locked and you buzz to enter. It’s probably just as well since you wouldn’t want someone thinking they’re entering a newsagent to walk in and find a naked guy with harnesses in each hand do you?
My friend, now desperate that I buy something, suggested trying on the leather jock. The difficulty was that my cock was now semi and it wouldn’t fit in the jock. What to do? This is where my idea for bringing new experiences into retail comes into play. OK so it’s not my idea but I think it has legs and should be promoted, so I’m adopting it. I’d told my friend about it previously and he was excited to experience it, hence our visit. The marketing concept the shop owner has created is really quite ingenious.
What happens is that you get naked (or at least drop your pants), get hard (not a problem in this instance) and then wank off on a pair of special pants that the shop keeper keeps under the counter for just such a purpose. You simply ask him to make a donation to the ‘jizz-pants’ as they are called, and out the pants come. They’re placed on a side table next to the counter and you wank off and shoot a load of jizz on the pants. He then replaces them in their clear plastic bag for the next customer to ‘use’. The added twist is that he films it on his phone and posts it on social media for promotional purposes. Of course it only goes on appropriate social media where such things will be appreciated rather than objected to. It’s a dream for those with exhibitionist tendencies (although you can remain anonymous and only show waist down so to speak) and it’s even more fun if there’s other customers in the shop. It also brings in the custom…..just like me and my friend.
So we both deposited a couple of large loads on the ‘jizz-pants’ and of course were almost instantly seen by millions of viewers (OK I exaggerate, but it got a decent number of likes!). The other twist is that having dumped a load of jizz you get the chance to guess how many loads the pants will receive in the current month. If you’re correct you win the pants and a new pair becomes the next ‘jizz pants’.
Is that something worth winning? It might be a pyrrhic victory…I’ll leave you to make your own mind up on that. This was near the end of the month and the pants looked well used. Despite them being a nice Aussie Bum pair which in other circumstances I would have worn, I guessed 4 loads which was clearly wrong. There was no way I wanted to ‘win’ them.
I bought the leather jock without trying it on because it seemed only polite to do so having just wanked over the owners counter top. That’s the brilliance of the marketing; you feel obliged to spend some money. My friend bought some lube and a cock ring. The concept is definitely a new twist on retail and something the big high street names should consider. I think if they introduced some sort of jizz pants concept and live video streaming of people trying on clothes it’s something the e-commerce retailers couldn’t match. If any big retailer is looking for a consultant to assist them with the re-imagining of their shopping experience along these lines I’m available. Contact my agent.
Anyway, what did we wear to the sex club night? Certainly not the leather jock. I’ve never worn it. It’s not me. My friend didn’t like it either. So we just wore some scent and a big smile, it’s so much simpler isn’t it? I’ll leave the leather harnesses to those that can pull off that look. But the shopping trip was fun and I hope whoever won the jizz pants that month ‘enjoyed’ them.
I haven’t mentioned massage yet have I? So here’s my new massage concept inspired by the jizz pants. What do you think about the idea of a Jizz Pants Massage? I’m thinking you come along for a massage, enjoy the happy ending etc. but instead of shooting somewhere random, you shoot on a pair of my AussieBums, I add a load and then you can take them home as a souvenir? I’d have to make a small additional charge of course since AussieBums aren’t cheap but I have plenty of old ones that need re-homing. I’ll call it the Jizz Pants Special Massage. Feedback on the concept is most welcome.
Next letter is I. Suggestions (or even a full article) are welcome. Plus I love feedback. Do get in touch if you like my posts. If you don’t like them….how did you get this far?